The Grumpy Old Toy Collector #8: Bah Humbug
By Darth Zirock (Age: 153)
Darth Zirock is a contributing writer at Videoscope Magazine
I know it's been several months since my last column, but there was a good reason for it. I was chasing some kids off my lawn and I broke a hip! Fortunately, I was chasing them in my car. Unfortunately, the one I clipped broke his hip, and the dang-blamed little creep's parents sued me! And the cops charged me with attempted manslaughter -- which is a load of hooey! If I'd wanted him dead, I'd have backed over him when I had the chance. Fortunately, being a crazy old coot that opens all of his toys makes my collection pretty near worthless, so they didn't get a dime. But, that blasted community service really cut into my toy-hunting time, by cracky!
Not that there's been much out there worth buying, mind you. Has this been the worst year for toy collecting or what? Didn't start out too bad, but the summer was a total loss.
The summer superhero movie toylines sucked like Kim Kardashian in an NBA lockerroom! The "Green Lantern" toys were almost as bad as the movie, but who wants toys from a movie that even Stephen Hawkings walked out on? What was up with those "Thor" figures? They looked like something my cat left in his litterbox after eating a box of crayons. Multiple, multi-colored versions of a guy with muscles who can't act his way out of cotton candy, and only one Odin? One Loki? (Never saw the second at retail, ever.) A couple of so-called Frost Giants that were barely a head taller than Thor? In the immortal words of Bart Simpson, "Craptacular!" And then we have the toys for "Captain America: The First Avenger." One movie version of Cap, one version of Red Skull, and two Hydra Soldiers (one being a deluxe). Then countless Comic Book and Movie Concept Caps that no one wants! NO ONE! These things are rotting on the pegs, while you're lucky to find the four actual movie figures.
Besides the 3 3/4" figures, there's also a limited line of 7" figures for "Thor," "Captain America," and even "Iron Man" (still?). They're OK, and the CA line even has a pretty decent Nick Fury/Samuel L. Jackson figure.
And, is anyone surprised that the latest "Pirates of the Caribbeans" movie toys bombed? Jakks Pacific modeled them directly after the FAILED Zazzle or Zizzle or whatever-the-heck-toy-company-that's-dead-now's toys. Then, there's that idiotic "zombie glow" feature. Wow, you shine the UV light from the crummy accessory that will be lost within a month on the figure, and skeleton face-paint appears. Gee, that won't get boring by the third time you do it, will it? Nooooo, of course not! The deluxes are also pretty lame, especially the mermaid trap that has no mermaid figure. Oh, and nice job on the larger scale "staction" figures, the build-a-figure Gunner being the only one with decent articulation. Genius! The Queen Anne's Revenge pirate ship playset looks decent enough, but who's buying that if $8 figures won't sell?
It's no secret that I'm a big Universal Studios classic monsters fan. So, when Diamond Select Toys announced a line of 7" action figures, I was pretty stoked. Series one, released last year, included The Creature from the Black Lagoon, the Wolf Man, and the Mummy. Series two came out this Halloween, and included Frankenstein, Dracula, and the Bride of Frankenstein (a Toys "R" Us exclusive). There were regular and deluxe versions of Dracula and Frankenstein. But, the disappointing thing is that DST and Universal couldn't reach a licensing agreement with the Bela Lugosi estate, so the Dracula has a "generic" face. Universal had two other actors that played Dracula: Lon Chaney, Jr., in "Son of Dracula" (1943), and John Carradine in "House of Frankenstein" (1944) and "House of Dracula" (1945). Hasbro made a Lon Chaney, Jr., 12" Dracula figure in the '90s, along with a 12" Frankenstein and a 12" Mummy. Sideshow was able to get the Lugosi license and do figures of Dracula, Ygor from "Son of Frankenstein" (1939), The Monster from "Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man" (1943), and even Bela the Gypsy from "The Wolf Man" (1941). They didn't do a Lon Chaney, Jr., Dracula before their license with Universal expired, and so far, no one's ever done a Carradine Dracula. DST's Dracula uses the costume of Lugosi's Dracula, and even the hand gestures, but the face looks like a constipated Christopher Walken with slicked-back, Eddie Munster hair. All the DST monster figures suffer from fairly sloppy paint apps that go way overboard on the dry-brushing. Series three will feature Lon Chaney's Phantom of the Opera (1925), Claude Rains' Invisible Man (1932), and the Metaluna Mutant from "This Island Earth."
Then, there's "Star Wars." Apparently, all production on new figures stopped last January. Must be some sort of strike in China, or a natural disaster, or ... Hasbro's hideously inept distribution. I've seen so few new figures at retail, and it's always the dregs of the new waves, that I'm not sure I even qualify as a "Star Wars" collector anymore! Fortunately, fellow collectors in various states have helped get me almost completely caught up on The Vintage Collection, and just a wave and a half behind on "The Clone Wars" line.
With holiday shopping madness in full swing, I'm avoiding most stores during daylight hours. So, I'm not too hopeful of finding much of anything until after the New Year. Until then, stay out of trouble, or at least out of jail! And keep off my lawn, dammit!
